Visitors Want Their Dogs to Run Wild; Homeowner Wants Them to Visit Outdoors

The following comment arrived on July 6, 2012, but Aunt Savvy never received the comment notice via email, so this is being answered a month late (better late than never).

Dear Aunt Savvy,

I am sooo tired of having family coming over, assuming that they can also bring their dogs with them. I have an OUTDOOR dog.

They threaten me that if I don't let them run around freely inside my home, they will not visit me.

How or what can I do to properly tell them that I don't want them in my home?

--A Dog Lover, But Not in My House

Dear Dog Lover,

The easy, glib answer: It's your house, so you make the rules.

However, Aunt Savvy is cognizant that navigating family issues can be tricky and that this may be more than just wanting to allow their dogs to run wild in your house.

You say that your family "threatens" you if you don't allow the dogs inside. This kind of fighting word concerns Aunt Savvy, who wonders if something deeper is going on than just dogs running wild in your home. Do your relatives threaten never to visit you again or to cut you off completely? Do they threaten you verbally or physically? If so, then this is a type of emotional blackmail, calling for drastic measures. If this is the case, then Aunt Savvy recommends a family meeting with a professional counselor present.

But let's assume that this is just an ordinary family disagreement over the place of dogs in your lives and homes.

Perhaps your family members are worried about the well-being of your outdoor dog and want to show why your dog ought to live inside; maybe they're right, maybe not. Aunt Savvy can only hope that Fido is well-cared for, has plenty of food and water, lives in a nice cozy dog house, and is properly groomed for the season. If this is the case, then your family should have no worries and need to respect your desire to keep your indoors pet-free.

So Aunt Savvy suggests that you prepare for the next family visit by providing a nice outside place for your canine visitors to play, eat, and drink, so, perhaps, a backyard cookout would be a great solution. Both family and dogs would feel welcome.

But be aware that indoor pets have a very low tolerance for extreme weather (heat, cold, rain, snow). In that case, then your relatives need to leave their dogs at home.

Now how to broach the house rules to your family: Aunt Savvy finds that writing a nice letter or email (Be sure to praise their pets in some way, if you can) to each relative can work well, explaining why their dogs should visit only when the weather is conducive for outside visiting. Emphasize that your relatives are always welcome but that, sometimes, the dogs need to remain at home.

Perhaps you are allergic to indoor dander, your canine kin are hooligans of the animal kingdom, or you just don't like the smell of dog inside your house. These are all valid reasons for not wanting animals roaming inside your house. But you must be careful not to unduly insult your family.

However, if your relatives don't wish to comply with your wishes, then you will have to decide if you want to risk alienating them for the sake of a pristine, animal-free house. If this is really important to you, then you must be upfront with them and tell them that the dogs will not be welcome inside your home. Period.

And then be prepared to deal with ruffled feathers and hurt feelings. Perhaps they will no longer want to visit your home.

Aunt Savvy suspects, however, that your family will eventually come around and forgive you for what they may perceive as quirks in your personality.

Worse case scenario: you may end up visiting their homes more often, where dogs are kings and queens of the castle.

And maybe that's not a bad thing.

--Aunt Savvy

Advice: An Auntie Who is Always "Oh-So-Very-Late"

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Question:

Dear Aunt Savvy,

I have an aunt who is chronically late, anywhere from one to two hours, for all family events, including her own son's wedding (which meant that everything ended up being delayed for over an hour). It just seems that this woman can't get her act together to get herself anywhere on time.

What can we do to educate her on the etiquette of arriving on time?

--Always on-time Molly

Answer:

Dear Always on-time Molly,

Dealing with a chronically late relative or friend is one of those vexing issues that has no good answer, especially if the relative sees no problem with her behavior.

If your aunt realizes that she has a problem and wants to solve the problem, you can suggest that she see a therapist, for she may have some underlying anger issues which cause her to be late all the time.

Meanwhile, always-on-time Aunt Savvy suggests the following "tricks" for the Auntie who wants to change:

1. Reset all your clocks about 15 minutes ahead.

2. When recording set arrival times, jot down an earlier arrival time. For example, if the desired time is 5:00 p.m., instead, write down "4:00 p.m."

3. When getting ready for an event, start one hour earlier and leave enough time for traffic jams, late buses or taxis, car breakdowns.

However, if Auntie doesn't see a problem with her chronic lateness, she is not about to change, and you can't make her. It's just that simple.

So, for you, here is what Aunt Savvy suggests:

1. When sending out family invitations, create a special one for Auntie, one that notes the time as being one or two hours earlier. The worst that can happen is that she will arrive early, and, then, you can put her to work flipping burgers.

2. If Auntie hasn't arrived on time, give her 10-15 minutes and then start the festivities without her. For major events (weddings and funerals), start on time.

3. If you run out of food before her arrival, simply say, "Oh, Dear, I'm sorry, but since you weren't here on time, we allowed the kids third helpings because they were SO hungry. But there's a KFC across the street..."

4. If you still have food, don't make any effort to keep a warmed plate for her; if you do this, you're simply enabling and rewarding her undesirable behavior. Simply show her the food table, and say, "Help yourself, Dear. I sure hope you don't get food poisoning..."

5. "Forget" to invite her, and when she finds out through the family grapevine, say, "Oh! We thought you were no longer interested in family gatherings."

Of course, she will protest, and you will be appropriately contrite, but unless she's a total dunderhead, she'll get the message.

Okay, this is a bit snarky and should only be done if you are positive she won't cut you off forever.

If, despite your best efforts, all of the above suggestions fail, just accept your aunt the way she is and repeat the following out loud:


The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In other words, don't own her problem. Love her and continue inviting her to family gatherings, but simply accept the fact that she will always be late, no matter what you want.

But accepting her chronic lateness doesn't mean you should accommodate it; maybe, just maybe, she'll eventually get the hint.

--Aunt Savvy

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Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a common relationship problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.
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Advice: Unwanted Political Spam Forwarded by Family

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Question:

I dearly love my brother Bill and I know he loves me as well, but we are miles apart politically, and never will we agree.

At family gatherings, we argue constantly; this last election has really driven a wedge between us.

I would just love to put the whole thing to rest, but Bill just can't seem to stop himself. He is constantly forwarding junk spam e-mail to me, mostly about how crooked the Democrats are.

I'm really fed up and would like to stop receiving such mail; in fact, I nearly answered his last spam with an angry e-mail of my own, but at the last minute, I decided to delete it.

How should I handle this?

--Frustrated and Fed up!

Answer:

Alas, Aunt Savvy understands this issue all too well.

Your instincts were correct when you decided not to fire off that angry e-mail to your brother.

You have to ask yourself that all important question: "What do you wish to accomplish by scolding Bill?"

He's not likely to stop sending such e-mails, especially if you overreact.

The best policy here is simply to zap the spam e-mails (unread). Usually, forwarded spam is easy to detect, but should you accidentally click on to such a message, simply delete it as soon as you receive it, and take a deep breath.

In person (or on the telephone), let Bill know that you are very concerned about receiving spam and forwarded messages because of potential viruses and that you generally delete such messages without opening them but that you love receiving personal e-mails containing news about family and friends. Be sure that your tone is upbeat. This may or may not stop the spam, but at least he will know how you feel without his feeling directly threatened.

At family gatherings, don't bring up political issues, and don't allow Bill to goad you into an argument. Many times, such potentially heated discussions can be deflected with humor (not bitter satire or snark) and understanding.

For example, you can always say something like, "Well, Bill, I know we can agree on one thing: we both love our country and family" or "Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that." And, then, with smile on your face, change the subject to something neutral, like the weather.

You and Bill may never agree on politics, but you can still love and appreciate each other and embrace what you do have in common: family.

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Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a common family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.
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